so i'm pretty fucking cool.

think about it.


i dress well. i have a sense of style. i can make stencils (although its not hard). i lift BRO. i graduated. i'm intelligent. and mo fuckas be constantly jockin my style and the way i talk.


WHATS UP WITH THAT

stop acting like me.

stop liking the shit i like.



like your own shit.
find your own lingo.

listen to your own music.
dress your own style.


get your own blow.

get your own e.
get your own weed.

impress other by being yourself.
dont bite what i do and make it your own.
ill slap the pretty right off you.


cuz i be that pretty motha fucka.

alright so ima give you a premise to this post

im fucked up
just left the bars and im fucked up
maybe that's when i'm most honest
naw but its real hard to type correctly

anyways

ya theres nothing intelligent coming out of this post

the saying "write drunk edit sober" is a good one. i've written drunk cuz you have less inhibitions but it does not mean that you can write fucked up cuz thats completely different.

anyways

so where am i at

honestly

i think about this broad all the time

but i shouldnt

because its honestly not that big of a deal. shes going back. shes leaving and theres nothing else to it. we wont talk. we wont become anything. and thats that. i am crazy about her and always have been..but thats it. its fading and will become faded. she wont think about me and i wont think about her on a day to day basis. obviously im thinking about it more than her...and thats fine. i mean i think so at this point. i used to think of it as a legitimate option. but she wised up. and once she stopped the whole talking about it in a wishful way then i started to think about it logically.

why would i go out there. WHY?? really though?? waste fucking money and waste fucking time. WHY?? for some broad that's gorgeous?? naw fuck that shit. right now i should focus on myself. i've always been a firm believer in that. no one else is looking out for you...so fucking look out for yourself. now's the time to be selfish. not  because you're an asshole but because no one else is looking out for you. fuck every bitch. fuck every asshole. it's you and only you. people want you when its convenient for them. some broad wants you there to make herself feel wanted/whatever. your friends want you there for comfort. but in the end...who's really there for you. really fucking only yourself

so fucking love yourself. appreciate yourself. at this point...i like myself alot. i can do alot. but i still feel like i have not come anywhere near my potential. and if i dont reach that point then i will always hate myself for it. so i need this time to myself to become reclusive and focus on myself. to focus on my career. to focus on my future. to focus on providing for my future family. i hate being fucked up like this. my intellectual potential is much lower and i know tomorrow morning will suck. that's not what i want to be. but...i have nothing to do. i have nothing to strive for. i...i...fuck.


i'm crazy about a broad and it's best for me not to be. i know she's a cold hearted broad and she's realistic. i know shes started to get over it because shes moving soon and knows whats coming. shes...shes much smarter than i am...

i have zero structure in my life right now.


nothing to do all day. i despise work. i can't tell if i hate working or it just represents how disappointed i am in myself. i have two fucking degrees and i'm at work stressing about if some guy's pizookie comes out within ten minutes. i studied countless hours and pulled way too many all nighters to recite the same introduction and script to every. single. fucking. person. that walks through that fucking door. i was nurtured and raised too well to be degraded by some fucking housewife who's only calling in life was to get fucked and bring another pompous retard child into this world.

it should be child abuse to have so many fucking kids. like this neighborhood. there are girls who are like 16 carrying kids around with them. i know your house is cramped as it is...so lets make it even more cramped and only perpetuate this fucked up lifestyle. as you can see, my life is fucked up right now...so obviously a kid will fix it. i'm not what you would call wealthy in any way, shape, or form...so i'm gonna make it harder on myself and stretch what little cash i have even further by bringing an unprivileged child into this world. th(dr)ug life.

i stress. i stress because i have nothing to do and i need something to do. im floating into monotony and not a good monotony full of structure. a bad monotony full of nothing but vices and and self indulgence. in this lifestyle, my education means nothing. i am on                 the same level as someone who hasn't graduated from high school. there is no prerequisite to this. there is no requirements to get in. there is not a sign that says "you must be this educated to proceed". if anything, there are warnings in life to keep you away from this. to let your life come to a standstill as time continues to pass. it has just been a blur. it's like traveling forward in time, but you catch glimpses of your life as you pass through. kind of like traveling by car. you're just looking out the window watching life pass you by. and here you are...sitting in this fucking car. observing what is going on but not able to immerse yourself in your surroundings because you're in a fucking car. you can only see. can't smell. can't taste. can't hear. can't FEEL. but you can see...from a distance.


maybe i'm just trippin.


my pops is getting old. he's driving like an old man. he's forgetting things. he's starting to somewhat ramble. thing is this is only the beginning. i have never dealt with this firsthand before. my grandparents have never lived near me so i have never constantly witnessed firsthand the ravages of time upon a person's mind and soul. it's going to break my. fucking. heart. it's a shame really. one of life's biggest jokes. you don't appreciate your parents until you get older. as a child, you don't know any better. it's assumed that parents are supposed to be good parents. i mean obviously that's their job. you're supposed to pick me up and take me everywhere i ask. you're supposed to provide for me because i'm your child and i deserve it. then you become a teenager and you despise your parents. they just don't understand me or anything about me. they have never felt how i feel right now. i fucking hate them. what have they ever done for me?!


until 20 plus years down the road you realize...i've been fucking blessed my entire life and had no idea. i was a piece of shit that did not reciprocate the love i was given. how frustrating must it be to give so much to your child only to have them show you nothing in return and sometimes respond with anger. how can you love that child? because it's you in there. i am my parents. i am the walking breathing spitting image of their love. and it took my 20 plus years to realize that...and by then i wasted the golden years of my parents. i wasted 20 years that i could have spent getting to really know them. they're all i have and i took them for granted.

it's a goddamn shame.


maybe that's why i'm so hard on myself. because all i ever want to do with my life is make my fucking. parents. proud. that's all i want to do. i want them to know they raised me well and i fucking love them for it. i want to show them by succeeding in life. i want my life to represent how well they have done and how much i love them. i want the job. i want the house. i want the wife. i want the wife. i want the wife. i want the family. i want to give my parents grand kids when they're still able to appreciate them. i want to be able to raise my kids as well as my parents raised me. i want alot of things. and still...i'm just sitting here thinking about it. not. doing. anything.

and then all of a sudden i smoke and turn music on and im completely content. don't get me wrong, i understand the idea of addiction. although i feel like i personally will never fall victim to addiction, i understand it. drugs provide an escape for the worries and problems of life. just like now for instance. i've done a completely 180. however i understand i still have these problems and my escape from the worries of reality does not mean i have become dis attached from reality enough to find a complete release in getting high. once your high becomes your escape, then you have lost control. my high is to enhance the situation or to enjoy myself. the difference between getting high to feel good and getting high to feel better are so important.




but what do i know. im just an addict rambling. 

so i've been cleared from physical therapy for about a week now. this little hiccup in my life is now officially over. however i do feel some lingering pain every now and then and i'm still not able to run, i am able to pretty much do everything normally. i really fawking hope that it heals back to normal ad its like it never happened.

now that i'm back to normal i have no crutch to lean on as for the reason for me not doing shit. crutch. get it. cuz i was walking on crutches and i was using my injury as an excuse as to why i wasnt doing shit. ya. but really though, i am not doing shit. today legitimately all i did was wake up at 8, eat breakfast at 9, gym by 10, and then that was it. i sat around all day. watched tv, smoked, and then drank and watched football. i feel like such a piece of shit though. i went to school and did all that shit for what? to sit around and waste my life.

i have applied to i think 5 accounting positions. right now i want to get a job at an accounting firm just so that i can study and then become a cpa and get it over with. 2 years of bitch work to be able to sign my name Jonathan Andrews CPA. after that i want to go back for my masters. see i have all these plans but here i am sitting around stagnant and doing nothing.

i really did not want to be working at bjs still. if i work christmas eve, new years eve, and new years day, i will fucking hate everything and everyone. however it will be my own fault for not being proactive and trying to get my life started.

i havent felt this way for a long time. its a good feeling, but at the same time i leave myself very vulnerable and from the past i have found that being vulnerable ends badly. i dunno. i wanna open myself up and take a chance, but then again...do i really want to. yes. yes i do. i wanna take a chance. i want to not be scared of failure my whole life just because the feeling of failure/rejection sucks. but...but do i really. if i really wanted to take this chance...should i go to Australia if i'm not doing shit here. if i cant find a job, would it be more productive of me to go out there and work. would i be enjoying myself more. ya i mean traveling and going new places is always a good experience. but...what if it doesnt work out. what if i go out there and i end up hating her? what if this girl i hold in such high regard turns out to not be that great? i mean i dont think that would happen. realistically i think of her as borderline flawless. but...but what if im wrong. what if im just another dumb guy who runs around wasting his time/life on something thats not worth it.

i guess you could say im at a crossroads right now.



"would you tell me, please, which way i ought to go from here?"
"that depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.
"i don't much care where-" said alice.
"then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the cat.
"--so long as i get somewhere," alice added as an explanation.
"oh, you're sure to do that," said the cat, "if you only walk long enough"

day 50

I had my first day of physical therapy last Friday. The guy's name is David and he's actually a real cool guy so it's not a bad time when I go there. He said it was healing really well which was encouraging for me, but he also said it will probably be another 2 or 3 weeks.

Why is it that everything seems to just fuck itself up all at the same time. Parents came back which is cool. Back to everything fucking up. I still have no fucking money and everything seems to break. My bong broke a little back which I was going to replace. My fucking vacuum cleaner, which was like 200 dollars, broke so I have to take that to get repaired hopefully. My fucking room smelled like dog piss when I finally came back to the house. Steam cleaned my rug and the room still smells like dog piss. Fuckin Jeff broke the vacuum but obviously I will be the one to pay for repairs. I.

Seriously fuck. There is really nothing going my way right now. Even if I do start working I have so much debt that I have to pay off and things I need to do it will take at least 2 months of solid working to get stable.

day 43

I went to the doctor yesterday, but i'm pretty sure i fucked up big time. So since my moms retired, that meant that her health insurance was done as well. Well i'm covered by her health insurance and forgot about that.
So i went to the doctors and checking in the girl at the front desk tells me i have no insurance so i say that its probably a mistake. She says that what she would recommend is that they will just bill me cash and then i'll just dispute it with my insurance company seeing as how i cannot get in contact with my parents with them being out of the country. It didn't hit me till after i got xrayed that this could be due to the fact that my moms retired. So basically i figure that i'll probably be put onto pops insurance, but i honestly doubt that they will cover a charge that happened retroactively.
So in other words, i'm pretty sure that doctor visit just cost a few thousand dollars and i'm a fucking idiot.

On the bright side, the doctor said i can start putting weight on my walking boot. Thing is i've been doing that for the last few weeks. He gave me a referral to a physical therapist and said that i should do physical therapy 2 or 3 times a week for 6 weeks. I haven't made an appointment yet though because as of right now i don't think i have health insurance. I mean, what the fuck. So i've been hurt for how fucking long now. Then i have to go back for a follow up with the doctor seven weeks from now. My guess is at the very best i'll be able to walk without a boot 2 weeks from now. I'll probably have a limp for i can't even fucking estimate and i got no fucking idea when it will be back to normal assuming that it will ever be back to normal.

Really though i'm going crazy. Not from the anxiety that i had before, but from being dormant. I sit at my parents kitchen table for pretty much 8 hours every day watching tv/online just waiting for time to pass till i eat my next meal or fall asleep. On the days i do bookkeeping at work, i wake up at 730, come back home at 2, and spend the day counting down till i go back to sleep. I spend the day trying not to fall asleep because i don't want to mess up my sleep schedule and end up being up all night and being tired for work.

i miss having money and being able to spend it. i miss being able to go out. i miss not thinking twice about going out because it's crowded and it would be a hassle for me to get around. i hate having to think twice about my environment like will there be stairs there. i miss the gym.

I mean i took alot of shit for granted. Granted these aren't exactly luxuries.